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Fast Forward Features and Don't Forget to Vote!
Moving on, welcome to the first installment of Fast Forward Features here at Monster Land. I have the bad habit of fast forwarding through movies and whenever there’s a lull in the action, my trigger finger just itches to press the remote. Now my bad habit is being put to our advantage with Fast Forward Features. In short, I watch these movies so you don’t have to.
First up is AVPR, the thrilling sequel to the blockbuster hit Alien versus Predator (note the sarcasm).John Deer and John Deer Jr. discover the remains of a crashed predator ship containing the PredAlien and a number of face suckers. The face suckers escape and attack the intrepid duo. John Deer shoots one of the face suckers, splashing the creature’s acid blood on his arm which eats through his flesh, causing the arm to fall off. Needless to say, both the kid and the father end up sucking face with the slimy creatures.
In space, a lone predator gets the distress signal sent out by the crashed ship and decides to head to earth for some PredAlien one on one. Meanwhile on earth, a sheriff’s deputy discovers the arm of John Deer while flushing homeless people out of the sewer.
The town sheriff meets up with a guy named Dallas, who is back in town to see his brother. Cut to the brother, who is a pizza delivery boy dropping off pizza’s at the house of a blonde girl he likes. All goes well until Blondie’s boyfriend and his gang of goons beat up pizza boy for looking at her sideways and they throw his keys into the sewer. In the next scene, John Deer and John Deer Jr. wake up in the woods only to be killed by Alien chest bursters.
In a side narrative, (there are too many in this movie) officer Kelly O’Brian is on leave from the military to spend time with her husband, who turns out to be none other than Sam Trammel of HBO’s True Blood.
After a brief altercation, pizza boy and his brother go looking for his keys in the sewer and find this:
Meanwhile the same sheriff’s deputy who found John Deer’s arm is found skinned alive after he stumbles upon the predator getting rid of the bodies of JD and JD Jr. At the same time, Blondie is making up with pizza boy by inviting him to the high school pool for a little night swimming.
Later that night, the predator is busy getting rid of evidence with a blue acid that disintegrates pretty much anything. As he cleans up the remains of homeless people in the sewer the Aliens have been snacking on, he gets into a slug fest with the PredAlien. After a brief battle the PredAlien breaks through the sewer and into the street, where a Papa Johns can be seen in the background. The PredAlien flees the scene in the direction of said Papa Johns.
It’s not long before the Predator and the PredAlien get in another fight, and this time it knocks out power to the little Colorado town. The high school pool goes dark as pizza boy and Blondie intensely make out. This scene is interrupted by Blondie’s boyfriend and his ever present goons. A struggle breaks out and all four men end up in the pool David De Coteau style until an Alien gets in the water and starts picking them off. Blondie, Bondie’s boyfriend and the pizza boy make a break for it but they lose the remaining goon as an Alien snack.
Pizza boy and the others run to his brother Dallas and the Sheriff to warn them about the “thing” that has been killing their friends. At the same time, Sam Trammel is killed (sorry ladies) by an Alien trying to convince his little girl there are no monsters. Kelly and her daughter escape and join up with the Sheriff and Dallas at a hunting supply store in town. Add two paranoid stoners to the mix who think the town is being attacked by terrorists and you got yourself a party.
While looking for ammo Dallas is strung up by the Predator as Alien bait. A fight ensues and the two stoners get their heads blown off when they make the mistake of pointing guns at the Predator. Blondie’s boyfriend tries to make a break for it, but gets an acid facial when the Predator shoots an Alien that is attacking the guy.
Meanwhile at the hospital, the PredAlien has found a more efficient way to reproduce and it pumps a maternity ward full of pregnant women with Alien eggs (eww). These unwilling mothers give birth to dozens of Aliens that explode from their stomachs, as a frighten doctor watches in horror and is subsequently killed by the PredAlien.
The Sheriff and his merry band decide it’s time to get out of Dodge and radio the military. A mysterious voice on the other end tells them to gather on the town square for an air lift. Kelly smells a rat and the group split up, one half goes to the middle of town and the other heads to the hospital, hoping the medical helicopter is still there.
At the hospital things go from bad to worse as Blondie gets impaled by a Predator boomerang when she steps into the crossfire of a fight. Pizza boy loses it and starts shooting blindly at the Aliens. As the rage subsides he gets a sharp, pointy Alien tail to the shoulder. Dallas uses the Predator’s discarded weapon to shoot the Aliens and save his brother.
The group eventually makes it to the helicopter and escape the town just as the military drops a bomb on it. The copter crashes but they all survive and the military confiscates the Predator’s weapon from Dallas. The military ponders what it should do with his new technology and decides the world isn’t ready. Roll credits.
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