While trying to find out what Patrick Bateman really does with that wire coat hanger in Am erican Psycho , I stumbled upon a list compiled b...

The 10 Men of Horror We’d Love to Get With, But Shouldn't...Ever

While trying to find out what Patrick Bateman really does with that wire coat hanger in American Psycho, I stumbled upon a list compiled by Fandomania’s Lyn Cherowbrier of 10 Men You’d Like To Hook Up With, But Really Shouldn’t. Among them were Captain Jack Harkness of Dr. Who and Edward Cullen of Twilight. The whole concept inspired me to make my own list of ten men in the horror genre we might be tempted to hook up with, but should really think twice about.

Ash (Evil Dead I, II and Army of Darkness)

The Pros: He’s the King, baby. With smoldering good looks and rippling abs he’ll sweep you off your feet faster than you can say “pillow talk.” He’s got a sharp sense of humor and he has his own boomstick.

The Cons: Most of his girlfriends end up being possessed by evil Kandarian demons and either killed, dismembered or dumped. He has a so-so memory (Clatto Verata….Nickel?) which can bode ill for anniversaries and birthdays. Ash also has a chainsaw for a hand which could turn pleasurable bedroom high jinks into a life or death struggle.

Patrick Bateman (American Psycho)

The Pros: On the surface, Bateman seems like a nice enough guy. He works out, takes care of himself and makes a living as a successful business executive at a top firm. He’s just the boy you want to take home to your parents for Thanksgiving and he can afford to keep you in the lap of luxury.

The Cons: Beneath the cracking veneer of Bateman’s sanity, lie the violent fantasies of a deranged killer. At the very least he’ll ignore your every word or he might draw you into a game of pin the chainsaw on the prostitute.

Edward Scissorhands (Edward Scissorhands)

The Pros: Edward is a talented artist with a flair for hairstyling and shrubbery art. Soft spoken and sweet, he’ll win your heart with his gentle love of animals and desire to fit in.

The Cons: With scissors for hands, getting to second base can be hazardous. Edward is also a man-made creature who doesn’t age, which means when you’re pushing fifty he’ll still look as young as the day you first met.

Donnie Darko (Donnie Darko)

The Pros: Donnie is an earnest young man who does his best to stop the end of the world as we know it and would give his life to save his girl.

The Cons: Donnie talks to a creepy human-sized skull-bunny named Frank and sees bubbles of energy that emerge from people’s heart chakras, two symptoms that point to a severe case of something not good. He also tends to engage in vandalism like flooding the school and burning a pedophile’s house to the ground. Your relationship will probably end with you waking up in the middle of the night with a confused sense of loss.

Dr. Frank-n-furter (Rocky Horror Picture Show)

The Pros: That voice, those lips, those legs…. Dr. Frank-n-furter’s got it all in addition to being a brilliant scientist.

The Cons: Frank-n-furter’s penchant for makeup and women’s clothing might lead to a shouting match if he borrows your fishnets and mascara without permission. He’s also not the most faithful lover, and odds are he’ll dump you for an insanely muscled, tanned boy toy named Rocky.

David Naughton (An American Werewolf in London)

The Pros: Having this cheeky looker in your hospital ward is enough to give anyone a serious case of Florence Nightingale syndrome. Adventurous, good humored and loyal to a fault, he’ll soon find his way into your heart and your bed.

The Cons: His tendency to change into a wolf by the light of the full moon really limits the amount of time he can spend with you. He’s also haunted by the ghosts of people he’s killed which could wreck his concentration in the bedroom.

Norman Bates (Psycho)

The Pros: Shy and polite, Norman is an upstanding young man who works hard and owns his own business at the Bates roadside motel.

The Cons: He’s a mamma’s boy. Whatever you do don’t call her crazy.




David (The Lost Boys)
The Pros: He can party all night, sleep all day and doesn’t look bad either.

The Cons: His pesky immortality can have him playing Peter Pan to your Wendy until the cows come home. He’s also a ruthless leader and has no qualms about using you to lure new members into the gang with your feminine wiles.



Dorian Gray (Dorian Gray)
The Pros: What’s not to love? He’s beautiful, suave, sophisticated, loaded and he’s English!

The Cons: Dorian’s enchanted portrait allows him to escape the burden of time unscathed so people might start inquiring if you’re his great aunt if he doesn’t dump you first. Also the last girl to tangle with Dorian, opera singer Sybil Vane, drowned herself in despair when he gave her the boot.


Lestat (Interview with a Vampire)

The Pros: Otherworldly and beautiful, Lestat is the life of any party. He can read your mind and make all your fantasies come true, and charm you silly with his wit and regal bearing.

The Cons: Lestat is a hardened killer and likes to prolong the agony of his victims before blessedly killing them. He also holds onto a grudge like a dog does a bone and is virtually indestructible. Don’t cross him or he’ll stop at nothing to punish you for how naughty you’ve been.

9 comments:

  1. Good ones! Although with Patrick Bateman, I tend to be more likely to want to bitch slap MBA types than to get randy with them.

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  2. Mmmm David and Lestat! Nice picks! Well worth the cons I say! ;)

    www.musingcontinuum.com

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  3. I think I'd take my chances with Frank and Donnie - Lestat would be a great choice if he didn't remind me of that short, crazy Scientologist, oh what's his name? It escapes me now...

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  4. Being a straight male, I still approve of a lot of the picks on your list and can see their appeal to women. I'll add Billy Zane in Demon Night for the sake of conversation. He is as charming as it gets, but he's the devil. Simple enough.

    This list really makes me want to do a female version of this list for myself!

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  5. Mmmm I love this list.
    However...if he wasn't gay, I'd be hitting Dellamorte alllllllllll day.

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  6. Lily,
    Yeah, Bateman is just not my type, psycho or no.

    Ms Harker,
    I would hazard the risks for David Naughton. What can I say? I dig guys with lupine tendencies.

    Pax,
    Ohh! I know! I know! Tom Cruise!

    Matt,
    Billy Zane is definitely evil in a fair share of his roles. I also enjoyed him in the Phantom. Ahh skin tight purple spandex, how I love thee.

    Bj-C,
    Here here. I've been in love with Rupert Everett ever since I saw him in the Next Best Thing and even more as Prince Charming in Shrek.

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  7. I was in love with Norman since the moment I first saw him.
    But I also believe that Sweeney Todd should be on this list.

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  8. Alright, so, I'd switch out Louie for Lestat any day, but the rest of the list is pretty agreeable. Aw. Poor Donnie.

    —actually, "… aw, poor sequel…":
    http://www.sdarko.com/

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  9. It's Hannibal Lecter for me, all the way. That's a man that could make me swooooon... but really shouldn't. LOL.

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